A little light at the end of the tunnel?

Last week was rough. It started with a "seizure" again on Sunday and another week off work. I was able to get back to the pain doctor on Wednesday, and with a call from him, I was able to get into the Pain Intervention Clinic at U of U to see both a Physical Therapist and a Psychologist that have extensive knowledge of CRPS. I met with them on Thursday and we are now formulating a plan to try and put this beast to sleep. My primary care physician is concerned about the seizures and gave me a referral to a Neurologist to scan my noggin and make sure that there is nothing wrong. My pain doctor thinks the seizures are from the Ketamine, but we just want to be sure. So I hope the light at the end of the tunnel is in fact the other side and not another train baring down on us. I also learned during this time that the clinic I had gone to, was not treating me the way they should. So now I wonder why I had to suffer for so long, and have to come to grips with the fact that the trust I had in them to help me was not in my best interest. I mean, it is good to know that my new doctor is Certified Pain Management and is now getting me on the right path, but why was I made to suffer and twist in the wind? I will get over it, but I wonder what could I possible stand to learn suffering so much? Of course, time will tell and hind sight is 20/20, but until then, it is something else to get over. I am still not sleeping well. I am lucky to get 3-4 hours a night and I sleep in 30-45 minute increments with periods of waking in between. I am still suffering weird flashbacks to the Ketamine and suffering from the worst nightmares and dreams which wake me up--often times in a panic! That wears you down quick and lets the depression and pain back faster. It is interesting to note, that there is a tight coupling between the depression and the pain. When the depression or anger rises, I can start to feel the snake coil around my leg and the burning coming back. So I am trying to let some things go that used to upset me and use the little energy I have to fight. SERENITY NOW! I will say, however, that there have been small blessing and miracles along the way that we have "discovered", and direct fulfillment of the blessings I was promised when I got my blessing. I keep looking for the small miracles, which I think we often overlook trying to find that one big miracle we think is coming. It is rare the "rise and walk" miracles happen. Sure we read about them, and they do boost our faith, but often we are looking for our big miracle and miss the small ones that happen every day around us. We are told that our trials are for our good, and it is very, very difficult to see any "good" coming from a Chronic disease without a cure, but I'm sure there is one and one day I will look back and find it. But today, I look for another small miracle, pause and say thanks in a prayer. Often the "miracle" may be nothing more than a day without pain, other times, it is being guided to a doctor who knows and cares. Keep looking, I know I will and soon the small miracles will add up to one large miracle we lived all along. Until then end of the challenge, I thank God everyday for the will to fight, my family, and my life.