The continuing battle...

Well so far so good, at least physically. It is amazing the body heals fast, but it is also amazing how the mind takes a while longer. Pain levels are very, very low (often 0 to 1 on the pain scale), but I continue to have "flashbacks" when some of the hallucinations come screaming back. For example, on Sunday, I was holding Joe and he grabbed hold of my thumb with both hands and the way he held it dug up a flashback. I remember on ketamine day two finding my hands and interlocking them on my chest and gripping them so hard it ached even through the haze and remembered Dana asking if things were okay. She asked me what was wrong, and I remember replying, "I am getting a hold of myself so I don't come apart." This was during the episode where I was in the darkness and remember how it was so confusing, so spiritually deadening that I felt I had to physically hold myself together. Thinking about it now, it does seem silly, but I vividly remember that I did indeed feel that I was going to fall apart, I don't know maybe lose grip on reality. Amazing how powerful the mind is and how much control it can have over the physical body. Next steps, well for one, pray every day this stays away. Step two, take each day as it comes. I am in a battle for the long haul. Every day I must fight to keep this monster at bay from now until the day I die. If I slip a little, I have to fight extra hard to regain the ground I lost. The battle is equal parts physical, mental and spiritual. Needless to say there a lot of prayers involved. We were reading online about chronic pain, and research has proven a link between mental health and controlling chronic pain. It is so easy to get into a pain cycle and so very hard to get out. The pain cycle begins with depression setting in and letting it take over, then the pain flares due to mental fatigue and the will to fight weakens, so the pain grows and the depression deepens. And well, on and on till you sink so far the only way out is to get "out" of the game permanently. That is a scary thought right there, image, me full of life with an eye to growing with my family, anticipating growing old with Dana, and there I lay, in the dark, by myself, entertaining the thought of getting out. So how do you break the cycle? I wish I knew. For me, it was after the first ketamine infusion and the pain left and I got to finally meet my new son Joe. Two months of his life are gone to the monster that I will never get back, and the first two months to boot! So I am amazed that he is doing the things a normal 4 month old is when I still see him at 2 months. A patient wife and kids who love me helped me break the cycle and give me something to live for. For the first time in months, my youngest daughter didn't need to ask permission to sit on my lap or worry about hurting dad's knee. At three, she knew I was in pain and was looking out for me, but inside I was hurting to think of what she must be thinking about. One day Dad is running around, teasing, laughing, the next sitting in a chair staring vacantly into the distance, it must be hard. So I fight, I don't want them to remember me in that pain, the "Missing Daddy" as I call myself. I want them to remember it as a time when I was hurt, but it is behind us and I can be a good Dad and Husband again. My kids need me and I need them and I need to be here for them. I especially need to be here for Dana. It pains me to know she was a single mom for 8 months fighting to keep control of the house and kids and worrying about me. She is strong, and beside me will fight with me so we can grow old together. I love that woman.