A little light at the end of the tunnel?

Last week was rough. It started with a "seizure" again on Sunday and another week off work. I was able to get back to the pain doctor on Wednesday, and with a call from him, I was able to get into the Pain Intervention Clinic at U of U to see both a Physical Therapist and a Psychologist that have extensive knowledge of CRPS. I met with them on Thursday and we are now formulating a plan to try and put this beast to sleep. My primary care physician is concerned about the seizures and gave me a referral to a Neurologist to scan my noggin and make sure that there is nothing wrong. My pain doctor thinks the seizures are from the Ketamine, but we just want to be sure. So I hope the light at the end of the tunnel is in fact the other side and not another train baring down on us. I also learned during this time that the clinic I had gone to, was not treating me the way they should. So now I wonder why I had to suffer for so long, and have to come to grips with the fact that the trust I had in them to help me was not in my best interest. I mean, it is good to know that my new doctor is Certified Pain Management and is now getting me on the right path, but why was I made to suffer and twist in the wind? I will get over it, but I wonder what could I possible stand to learn suffering so much? Of course, time will tell and hind sight is 20/20, but until then, it is something else to get over. I am still not sleeping well. I am lucky to get 3-4 hours a night and I sleep in 30-45 minute increments with periods of waking in between. I am still suffering weird flashbacks to the Ketamine and suffering from the worst nightmares and dreams which wake me up--often times in a panic! That wears you down quick and lets the depression and pain back faster. It is interesting to note, that there is a tight coupling between the depression and the pain. When the depression or anger rises, I can start to feel the snake coil around my leg and the burning coming back. So I am trying to let some things go that used to upset me and use the little energy I have to fight. SERENITY NOW! I will say, however, that there have been small blessing and miracles along the way that we have "discovered", and direct fulfillment of the blessings I was promised when I got my blessing. I keep looking for the small miracles, which I think we often overlook trying to find that one big miracle we think is coming. It is rare the "rise and walk" miracles happen. Sure we read about them, and they do boost our faith, but often we are looking for our big miracle and miss the small ones that happen every day around us. We are told that our trials are for our good, and it is very, very difficult to see any "good" coming from a Chronic disease without a cure, but I'm sure there is one and one day I will look back and find it. But today, I look for another small miracle, pause and say thanks in a prayer. Often the "miracle" may be nothing more than a day without pain, other times, it is being guided to a doctor who knows and cares. Keep looking, I know I will and soon the small miracles will add up to one large miracle we lived all along. Until then end of the challenge, I thank God everyday for the will to fight, my family, and my life.

Recent Events

Just when there is hope you get knocked back some. Yesterday (7/15/2012) right after church I had another seizure. It wasn't as out of control as the others I have had, but it was still pretty large. The only thing we have to stop them is Valium, and that puts me out for a while. I don't know if it is the change in medicine or if there is something more sinister happening, all I know right now, it is scary for both me and the family. Up until that time, I thought I was making a little progress. I am now at physical therapy and I make a game with the kids to help me do my exercises, that way I can be with the kids and get the exercises done at the same time. Now I am trying to find a therapist to help handle the mental aspect of this beast. I have found the best way to answer the question, "Are you feeling better?" is to tell people that it is asleep. I am never "better" per se, but it is asleep meaning I have no pain right now. It is the 900lb gorilla in the room that if you irritate it to much, will wake up and start to destroy things again. So now we play the game of trying to keep it asleep. That takes a lot of mental energy to do, it's like tip toeing around someone who may explode at any time, and that is where the therapist can help. I claim I am a changed person. Dana thinks I will return, but I don't have that much confidence. I have learned you can walk through Heaven and Hell and not have some stick to you. My first ketamine infusion was more of a spiritual awakening for me. I experienced things during those three days that were amazing. The second infusion was exactly the opposite. Both have affected me in very profound ways. My brain is still trying to sort out what what is "saw". I find if I am not concentrating, I have flashbacks and they are as vivid as ever. They will go away in time, but until then I have to keep occupied. I am more reserved now than I was before and I am move "level" as well. It may be the drugs, but I also think that because I have to spend so much time fighting, that I have learned to just drop the baggage I used to carry around that I thought was so important, and focus on getting better. I have a new pain doctor now. He is more of an expert in CRPS and has given us more options. This was a direct answer to me blessing. We have more hope now of controlling this beast with the right doctor. We feel your prayers and thank you for them. I will continue to update as I can. John

At the Crossroads

I was talking to my brother the other day and during the conversation, I told him that there are a few times in your life when you are faced with a decision big enough to change the course of your life and you know your decision will affect your life. For example, who to marry. This will have a big impact on your life, you will be with this person night and day for the rest of your life (at least that is the hope). During this time you find that there are little things your spouse did that were "cute" while dating, are now so annoying that you want to hit them in the head and say "Stop doing that!". But you love this person and accept the challenges as well as the joys of living a life together. In March, I faced one of these life changing decisions. I was standing on a high cliff, below was the roaring sea and jagged rocks and my toes were right on the edge. One more step and over I would go, free fall for a few seconds then BAM! end the pain. Or, I could back away from the cliff, continue to endure this never ending pain and try to tough it out. Let me back up a little to explain how I got there. After the birth of Joe, I hit the lowest point in my life. I was present at his birth, but not excited, in fact when he was born I couldn't care less. I cried at the birth of all my children, it was relief that they were okay, that Dana was fine and meeting a long lost friend. But with Nathaniel, it was different. The week before, I had my last Sympathetic Lumbar Block to try and stop the pain long enough to at least participate in the birth. It didn't work, and so any joy or excitement I may feel, was crushed by the pain. I was there physically but not mentally. I still carry the guilt I feel today for not being there for Joe and Dana. By mid march, the pain was so intense that I lay in bed, under heavy drugs contemplating the best way to get out of the game. When you are in constant pain, it takes over your whole life to the point of sucking out any bits of happiness you feel. It is mentally and spiritually breaking and exhausting to fight every second of every day. So I edged up to the cliff and stood there, one step forward the pain would be gone and I could get relief, one step back, I would fight the pain every second of every day and try to continue. Sounds like an easy decision, stay for Dana and the kids. Well, to be honest, it was not easy. Taking the step from the cliff was so much more appealing because it was a guaranteed way to escape the pain. I took steps to prepare to ensure Dana and the Kids would be taken care of financially and even planned my funeral to take that stress away. I had even started to write to each of my children some thoughts to help them through life and how to help their Mom get through the brief period of mourning and move on once I was gone. In a sense, I was planning my death, I had to get out and escape the pain that had consumed me. It was during this low point, I cried up what was to be my last prayer, to warn the other side I was on my way. The prayer did not go as planned. Instead of warning the other side I was coming, I cried to my Heavenly Father to help me step back from this cliff and continue my battle with this horrible, horrible pain and be here for my wife and kids. In my depths of sorrow and pain I felt a voice say to me, "My Son, you have endured great pain, but not as great as I. Cast your cares upon my back and let me carry you." For the first time in months I cried, not of pain, but of hope and joy. I still had the pain, but now I felt that someone was there who did understand and could truly understand my pain. The atonement was both spiritual for our sins, but it was also physical. Jesus did in fact understand my pain and I had someone I could turn to who did understand and who could help me get through this pain. I prayed everyday to help me through, to be there for my wife and kids, to be a better person and to help me fight this monster. I stepped back from the cliff, turned my back and started to painful walk back to my family.

Sneezes are Purple

Sneezes are purple! That's right when someone sneezes it is purple. How do I know, well while I was under the ketamine Dana sneezed and I saw the color purple. Weird I know, but it got me to thinking about how the brain operates. I am getting better day by day, physically, I am doing better but have resolved the fact that I will never get back to 100%. I have to listen to my body and stop when it says stop. But at least when the problem is physical you have a yardstick for progression: sore muscles, stiff joints, building muscle. With mental progression, there are no such yardsticks. Each night I am so tired, but cannot sleep, or have trouble falling asleep. Why? Well, part of the "recovery" from ketamine is having my brain sort through the hallucinations and "filing" them away as non-sense or needed. Believe it or not, this is hard to do. When we are in our "right" mind, the thoughts, images, and impressions we get usually have something to do with what is going on right now. When I am working, I am thinking about work. How do I solve this programming problem? What is the best way to design this database? Your mind is caged and focused on the task at hand, this is the beauty of the mind, being able to direct your energies to a problem to come to a solution. Under ketamine, it is like opening the gate and having the chickens get out. For those of you that have chickens, or raised chickens, you know when the gate is left open and the chickens get out, they scatter far and wide picking here and there. If one finds a choice bit of food (a worm for example) there is a stampede to steal the food, it is chaotic. Once that bit of food it gone, then they scatter again looking for food until one finds another bit of juicy food to distract them until it is gone, and on and on it goes. This is what it is like under ketamine. Your thoughts range far and wide, sneezes become purple, sounds are interpreted in unusual ways. A bit of choice food is picked up (voices, sounds, or thoughts) and your brain runs wild with it, so concentrated on this one bit, then just as it begins to understand the morsel, it is gone and your brain scatters again. This is so different from how we think (okay at least how I think) that it is truly mentally exhausting. You don't have the luxury of directing or controlling your thoughts, under ketamine your "chickens are running free" and it is confusing and bewildering. So the after affect of this metal exercise is trying to put your chickens back in the cage and make sense of everything. For me, this is when I fall asleep, my brain starts to file the images and it keeps me awake. Some of the visions that bubble up are weird and confusing, others are scary and I start awake then try to go back to sleep. Not getting into a deep sleep exhausts me, but fortunately they are starting to lessen and sleep is finally starting to come. I hope one day, to lay down, close my eyes, and fall into a deep sleep.

The continuing battle...

Well so far so good, at least physically. It is amazing the body heals fast, but it is also amazing how the mind takes a while longer. Pain levels are very, very low (often 0 to 1 on the pain scale), but I continue to have "flashbacks" when some of the hallucinations come screaming back. For example, on Sunday, I was holding Joe and he grabbed hold of my thumb with both hands and the way he held it dug up a flashback. I remember on ketamine day two finding my hands and interlocking them on my chest and gripping them so hard it ached even through the haze and remembered Dana asking if things were okay. She asked me what was wrong, and I remember replying, "I am getting a hold of myself so I don't come apart." This was during the episode where I was in the darkness and remember how it was so confusing, so spiritually deadening that I felt I had to physically hold myself together. Thinking about it now, it does seem silly, but I vividly remember that I did indeed feel that I was going to fall apart, I don't know maybe lose grip on reality. Amazing how powerful the mind is and how much control it can have over the physical body. Next steps, well for one, pray every day this stays away. Step two, take each day as it comes. I am in a battle for the long haul. Every day I must fight to keep this monster at bay from now until the day I die. If I slip a little, I have to fight extra hard to regain the ground I lost. The battle is equal parts physical, mental and spiritual. Needless to say there a lot of prayers involved. We were reading online about chronic pain, and research has proven a link between mental health and controlling chronic pain. It is so easy to get into a pain cycle and so very hard to get out. The pain cycle begins with depression setting in and letting it take over, then the pain flares due to mental fatigue and the will to fight weakens, so the pain grows and the depression deepens. And well, on and on till you sink so far the only way out is to get "out" of the game permanently. That is a scary thought right there, image, me full of life with an eye to growing with my family, anticipating growing old with Dana, and there I lay, in the dark, by myself, entertaining the thought of getting out. So how do you break the cycle? I wish I knew. For me, it was after the first ketamine infusion and the pain left and I got to finally meet my new son Joe. Two months of his life are gone to the monster that I will never get back, and the first two months to boot! So I am amazed that he is doing the things a normal 4 month old is when I still see him at 2 months. A patient wife and kids who love me helped me break the cycle and give me something to live for. For the first time in months, my youngest daughter didn't need to ask permission to sit on my lap or worry about hurting dad's knee. At three, she knew I was in pain and was looking out for me, but inside I was hurting to think of what she must be thinking about. One day Dad is running around, teasing, laughing, the next sitting in a chair staring vacantly into the distance, it must be hard. So I fight, I don't want them to remember me in that pain, the "Missing Daddy" as I call myself. I want them to remember it as a time when I was hurt, but it is behind us and I can be a good Dad and Husband again. My kids need me and I need them and I need to be here for them. I especially need to be here for Dana. It pains me to know she was a single mom for 8 months fighting to keep control of the house and kids and worrying about me. She is strong, and beside me will fight with me so we can grow old together. I love that woman.

Round two was not as good as round 1.  On the first day, we started the dose between the second and third day last time I went under (about 3 cc's) and they pushed the ketamine quit aggressively.  In my hallucination I started to feel nauseous and and almost threw up.  They doctor came in and gave me some medicine to help with the nausea, which helped, but it sure made waking up hard.  I don't remember any of the hallucinations during this round.

Day two was a little better.  I went to 3.5 cc's.  As I went under, I had a bad feeling that what I was going to see was not going to be as interesting as last time.  This time, it was dark, very dark.  I remember trying to run from this darkness that was everywhere. It boiled and seethed and was restless.  It was thick like oil, but as fluid as a billowing fog.  It was trying to overtake me.  I could not get my bearings, up was down, down was up.  The only think I could possibly compare it to would be outer darkness.  It was horrible.  I forced my eyes open to try to get some grip on sanity and when I closed them again, I saw a light I started to run to.  As I ran, the blackness chased me, surrounded me and tried to swallow me. Just as I got to the light, it shrank back enough for me to escape.  I don't know how long I was there, but it seemed like forever.  If this is anything like outer darkness, I feel deep sorrow for those who go there.  I came out okay, but at the car I threw up and had a massive headache.  I sleep little that night.

Day three they bumped me up to 4 cc's.  This was the highest dose I have had.  I was extremely scared to go under after yesterday.  My blood pressure was up and I was fighting the anxiety.  I went under fearing the worst.  This time, I could not remember anything.  I did force my eyes open for a while and talked to Dana, but it was more confusing to see Dana and hallucinations at the same time. At one point I asked her if I was a machine, and I asked her if she could see the ribbons of gold and silver dancing around.  I made it through and was able to recover from this round better. Dana told me to go down and fix my knee, but I told her I had already pushed the pain down my leg and out my foot.  I remember pushing from my head to my toes and watching the pain shoot from my left leg in a blinding ribbon of light.  I kicked my left foot to get free of it, and it shot across the room and through the wall and was gone.

So far, the swelling is down and the pain is gone.  The affect of day two still haunts me and I am having problems sleeping.  I don't ever want to see that again!

Our doctor told us this was his last week at the clinic and he was going back to practice at the hospital. This is good since we found a new doctor.  I was given a blessing a couple of weeks before and one of the blessings was to find a good doctor.  We did.  The new doctor has access to U of U pain clinic and has already suggested some other routes to battle the CRPS.  For now, I am physically okay, but I am still shaken by what I saw on day two.  I hope with time it fades away.

My Battle With CRPS

All,
Due to our lack of getting information to everyone, and to help clear up the situation, we are sending this update with more detail. We appreciate all the calls we have received, and thank all those who have contacted us. As Dana and I got to talking we thought it would be best to let everyone know exactly what is happening with me as well as the family.
Last year I was visiting the graves of Mike (father-in-law) and Howard (his brother) at the local cemetery. On the way back from visiting Howard’s grave, I scooped up Gillian in my arm and started to walk back. Half way back I stepped into a hole hidden in the grass and went down. Since I was holding Gillian, I did not want her to get hurt, so in order to prevent the injury I landed with the full weight of my body and Gillian’s body slamming my left knee on a headstone.
During the next month my knee began to buckle and started to hurt. I complained of “ants” crawling under my skin and there was tenderness to my knee. We scheduled an appointment with an Orthopedic Surgeon who decided to go in a look around.
After surgery on my knee, the pain continued to get worse, it got so bad that even the lightest touch on my knee would shoot pain up my spine. We visited other doctors and they all gave different answers to the problem and continued to prescribe a variety of NSAIDS (ibuprofen type drugs) trying to ease the pain. In late November and early December I visited the ER three times for pain in my chest and stomach, and eventually wound up at the U of U where they found my stomach riddled with ulcers. I spent a week at U of U and the whole month of December at home recovering. During this time, I continued to complain of acute knee pain and the “ants” were marching so much that I kept brushing my knee trying to wipe them away. At this point any touch whatsoever on my knee sent pain rocketing up my back and I started to lose sleep, often getting only 3-4 hours a night.
In January I was sent to a pain clinic where I went through a series of 4 sympathetic lumbar blocks in my spine (a six inch needle was put next to my spine and medicine was injected to block my sympathetic nerves). It was during this procedure where they diagnosed me with CRPS (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Complex_regional_pain_syndrome and http://www.ninds.nih.gov/disorders/reflex_sympathetic_dystrophy/detail_reflex_sympathetic_dystrophy.htm). There is no cure for CRPS, and the diagnosis devastated us. During this time while we were trying to put this into submission, I slipped deeper and deeper into a vicious pain cycle where I got more and more depressed and hurt so bad I could not function. I was on at a variety of anti-seizure, anti-depressants, and pain pills. As the doctors tried to treat me with a variety of medicines I got sick, my appetite dropped and became more and more withdrawn. My leg hurt so bad I shuffled to work and I developed a facial tick every time the pain shot through my body. My speech was impaired due to the pain and I developed a server stutter. My co-workers and kids referred to me as “zombie John” because I looked like a zombie. I was only getting 3 hours of sleep a night which didn’t help the depression and my mood. Often I would come home from work (I have two jobs, my regular job and I teach at Weber State two nights a week), eat a piece of bread, take all my pills and lay in a dark room until I passed out from exhaustion then wake up multiple times through the night due to pain.

As the pain progressed, I was given Dilaudid (Hydromorphone http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hydromorphone) which is a very powerful narcotic drug to try and ease the pain. I started out on a low dose and quickly went higher and higher trying to get on top of the pain. We had to fight our insurance company for the drugs that were prescribed often force on another type of medication that wasn’t “exactly the same” only to have my condition worsen and the switching of drugs made me throw up.
The only option the insurance company would allow was a spinal cord stimulator which would be implanted in my back to block the pain signals. This is an invasive surgery where a permanent device (similar to a pacemaker) would be implanted in my hip with leads going to the spine. It was considered radical and both Dana and I prayed about this solution and we both received strong confirmation that the stimulator was not the right course of action to take. We asked if there were any other options.
Our doctor gave us another option to try and control the pain called a Ketamine Infusion (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ketamine). It involved me getting an IV and be given high doses of the Ketamine through a three day process increasing the dose each day to try and “reboot” my brain. It was not covered by the insurance, so we took the last of our money and I underwent the procedure. It was a hard three days of my life. I was mentally, physically battered and felt like I was stomped by elephants each day. A blessing was I was able to withstand the higher doses so I was given high doses. The infusion worked for 5 weeks suppressing the pain.
CRPS involves the sympathetic nervous system (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sympathetic_nervous_system) which controls the fight or flight response as well as other functions. It is always on monitoring for changes and notifying the body of changes quickly. It is not used normally to transmit pain. In CRPS, this system takes over pain signaling to the brain. Because this system never shuts down, it sends pain signals to the brain all the time. The most common complaint with CRPS is the “burning” sensation. I liken it to putting a heating pad on the highest setting and putting it behind my knee or a bad sunburn that never cools down. However, unlike a heating pad, you can’t shut this off or remove it to get any relief. The fear is that this will hardwire a pain signal to the brain that will not shut off. Think of it as a highway to the brain, non-stop. The Ketamine acts like road work that can disrupt the pain signals to the brain and the hope is to destroy or shut down the “highway” for good. The spinal cord stimulator only blocks the signals, but the highway is there getting bigger and bigger only I would not know it, it does not tackle the problem itself. However, if you look at the time and effort to destroy a highway, the same effort is needed for the Ketamine to destroy it so to speak, so it takes a toll on me and my body. The body, however, will try to rebuild the paths back, so any time I feel the pain coming back, we need to act fast to stop it, so I will be stuck with these infusion my whole life. Over time, I may build up a tolerance which would make the infusion worthless and we would have to look at other options.

On May 6th (right after the infusion) I suddenly started to shake in my hands that spread to my arms and quickly to my body. I could not control the shaking. Soon I was shaking all over the left side of my body and could not stop. Dana threw me into the car and drove me to some people in the ward with medical training. They saw me in the car having a grand mal type seizure and called the ambulance. I was taken to the hospital again where I shook on my left side for 2 ½ hours before they could control it with Valium. This episode exhausted me. The next day, I suffered another “seizure” where I shook for 30 minutes before we could get another Valium into my system to stop the shaking.
I went back to the doctor and we found that I was having an extreme reaction to the medicine I was given and we lowered the dose and it appears to work. I must confess, as I watched the video Dana took of me seizing, I broke down into tears, and I could not watch it. Just to write about it makes me upset it was that scarry.
After we adjusted the medicine, I was almost back to normal, having gone through what I did, I am no longer the same person and I don’t think I will ever be. During my infusion I “saw” a lot of things and it was more of a spiritual journey bringing me closer to Christ and his scriptures. People have commented that I am not the “old John” they remember, I smile more, but I have change. I cried when my youngest two daughters climbed in my lap gave me a kiss and said they were glad I was back.

The beginning of June the pain began to come back and I am now suffering again as the pain returns. We are scheduled again for another Ketamine infusion hoping we get it early enough to give me a longer time without pain. However, since we have to pay for them ourselves, this is the last money we have for this procedure.
CRPS is a neurological disorder that is not well understood and at this time has no cure. The best we can hope for is a remission, the worst is eventual paralysis as the limb becomes weaker and weaker, the bones soften and the skin turns purple. CRPS will often “spread” to other parts of the body often mirroring the pain in the original location to another. For example, the pain was located in my knee, but it is now spreading down my leg and up my hamstring. It can start to manifest in my other leg as it progresses. CRPS not only affects the physical it also affects the mental as well. Not only does the pain cause depression, CRPS has been found to affect the part of the brain that affects mood and appetite.
Dana and I are trying to come to terms with my condition; she continues to “fight” this monster to not take me back to the darkness I was in. I must confess, I feel like I walked through hell, and do not want to go back. We have shed many tears together emotionally exhausted trying to come to grips with our future. During the last 8 months, I watched my wife become a single mom while I lingered in the dark under the influence of heavy medications.
During this time, we had another baby boy which we scheduled close to my last lumbar block hoping it would help enough for me to be there for Dana. It didn’t work and I didn’t even bond nor care about Nathaniel for two months. My kids became scarred of me, which put me further into a depression. I became dependant on the Dilaudid and the first two weeks of my recovery after my infusion I was going through with drawls becoming moody, mean and I would shake constantly before I got over it. So I may not have hurt, but I could not enjoy my family for another two weeks due to the withdrawls.
This has turned our world upside down, not only for me but for Dana and the kids. She had to make choices where to put her time and as a result, the house is chaos and my boys have had to take on extra chores to help. Simple maintenance on the house has been overlooked. Austin has been sleeping with a broken window for a year now; weeds are taking over on the side of the house. We are at the end of our rope and don’t know how much more we can take.
I want to help so badly, but cannot risk further injury or acceleration of the CRPS, so I sit on the sidelines depressed and crying while I watch my family working twice as hard to make up for me and to see the look of panic on their faces if I complain of pain. I see the feeling of hopelessness on their faces as I struggle with the pain and there is nothing they can do to help. I see the hurt in their eyes when I can no longer interact with them due to pain. It was a tease for me to “be back” for 5 weeks only to be taken away again.
There is some hope to put my CRPS into remission for longer. UCLA has a pain clinic which specializes in CRPS and has a month long program to help people cope and overcome CRPS. The Doctors there are on the cutting edge of finding a cure and methods to control CRPS. It is not cheap and, of course, the insurance will not pay. Dana and I are trying to organize fundraisers and other methods to save enough money for me to go. It is believed if you catch it early enough, you have a better change of remission. My family has agreed to go without to help save (which makes me feel guilty I am taking away my kids childhood). However, we both believe that if I do not go, I will continue to get worse and eventually wind up in a wheelchair and in the end be bedridden and invalid. I don’t want to miss my life, my wife or my kids. I want to be as healthy as I can to participate in the lives of my children and grandchildren but if we don’t act soon we fear that the CRPS will eventually swallow me and I will be gone.
We have been fighting this for so long and putting so many resources to this fight we haven’t kept everyone in the loop, and we are now going to give more updates as this continues. Now as we go to the next round, we are asking for prayers and to join us in a fast on June 24th for my family and me.
We don’t know what the future holds and that scares Dana and me. The emotional rollercoaster we are on tests our emotional endurance and we find ourselves on our knees praying for some relief. The help we have received from ward members and friends has been invaluable and there is not we can thank you enough for what you have done. May God bless you for what you have done, and we will continue to update you as the situation changes.
Feel free to pass this on to family members I may have missed. They were not omitted on purpose, and I would like everyone know what our situation is and what the future may hold.

John and Dana